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Not to be mistaken with your garden variety “bully”. “Mean kids” are a cantankerous breed who offer harsh criticism to anyone they’ve deemed as “uncool”. Ostracizing fellow students under a misconstrued guise of “being better than”. These high-pedigree snobs will likely grow up to be found dining alone, with only the glow of their smart devices keeping their miserable company. And, are likely the same little shits our youngins will encounter within this school year. So, how do we help our children to cope with such arrogant adversaries?

The “Mean Kids” Dilemma

The predicament that befalls our lil’ ones, when confronting “mean kids”, is that such children are often highly revered within their social hierarchy. It’s tough for them to not take a “cool kid’s” judgment to heart while so many, desperately, seek their fleeting approval. I can recall moments in my own childhood when getting a thumbs-up from the perceived “bad-ass” increased my schoolyard credibility considerably. Moreover, as things so often never change, I empathize with the various pressures associated with maintaining one’s reputation.

What we as parents must instill, however, is that validation from such ill-natured sorts is utterly unimportant. Furthermore, it’s vastly more significant how our children perceive themselves and their personal worth.

Insecure and Unassured

The simple truth regarding “mean kids”, is that many (if not all) harbor deep-rooted insecurities that they try to mask through their scrutiny towards peers. Most lack the basic parental guidance that would ultimately curtail their tyranny. What our kids should understand is that although these mini egotists may now sit on a baseless pedestal. For most of these “meanies”, that is (sadly) the perch on which their lives revolve. Knowing better than most, the momentary nature of popularity and how easily that rug can be yanked from beneath them.

Engrain in your kids that substance supersedes style in all circumstances. That the hurtful opinions of those who chase the confirmation of others are merely words and can’t break the spirit of a budding leader. No greatness has ever emerged from following “the flock”. Therefore, it’s pointless to agonize with the notions of sheep.

There’s a grave misconception that one requires offspring in order to fulfill their lives and establish a legacy. Procreation has been heralded as the single most pivotal act we, as human beings, can perform. Therefore, by not doing so, one has “selfishly” committed an unimaginable disservice to our species. Allow me to state with absolute certainty, that this is complete and utter bullshit. Further proclaiming that not only do I appreciate the standpoint of those who chose not to have kids. But, genuinely applaud their foresight.

An Argument for Not Having Kids

I’m an avid subscriber to the philosophy that “not all are meant to be parents”. Being one myself, I admit to having moments where I’ve questioned my own competence for this task. Although I sincerely love being a father and can see no life without my son as the primary focus. The overwhelming responsibility, at times, is rather off-putting.

Some Parents Just Shouldn’t Be

Some parents have kids with no comprehension of the hardships associated with their choice. Yet proceed to often motivated by self-serving agendas foregoing a healthy nurturing environment. Whereas, others seem to have had no intention of attempting proper parenting practices, ever. Nor, try to adjust their chaotic lifestyle out of an accommodation for their children. Perceiving their predicament as a punishment for all involved. These people can go fuck a turd for the burden they bestow upon their children and the negligence they dispense as a direct result. This only serves to fortify my resolve towards those who’ve opted out of the “baby craze”. Because at least they’re forthright regarding their capacity to bring a child into this world.

Kids Aren’t For Everyone

Allow me to commend all the non-parents out there for your candor. Those intuitive individuals who have witnessed others taking the plunge into parenthood and wanted no part of that shit. Those who simply knew that kids weren’t for them and stood firm in their conviction. These realists would likely (and ironically) make amazing parents due to their strong sense of self. But, may choose to satisfy their maternal instincts as incredible aunts, uncles, or mother and father figures. I hold you all in the highest regard and feel that you are all living your truth. Not having a child is perfectly okay.

Being Truthful

There are countless horror stories involving mistreated children. That, if their (so-called) parents had displayed an ounce of reflection regarding their inadequacies, before birth, could’ve been avoided entirely. No child has ever asked to be born. Therefore, they shouldn’t be left to feel unwanted or unloved. Non-parents should be celebrated because they’ve chosen NOT to subject a child to a home of regret and uncertainty. Their maturity in realizing that the challenges related to parenting aren’t conducive to them is admirable. And, they all have my unwavering respect. For, true honesty with oneself is often the hardest cross to bear.

As I’ve repeatedly emphasized to my son, “I’m not Super Dad”. Though I aim to be a “good” father. The idea of seamlessly traversing this minefield known as parenting, seems a rather unattainable and lofty goal. I had long grown content with the idea of being an attentive parent. Who ultimately works in favor of their child’s best interests. But of late, I’ve pivoted my disposition to question, “Why am I settling for good?” “Why not pursue “great” or even “super” dad status?” The only query then left is, “How?”.

Becoming a “Great” Dad

How does one become a “great” father? The short answer is quite simple – diligence. “Great” dads aren’t perfect fathers or immune to failure. What differentiates a “good” from a “great” dad is a relentless determination to prevail. No matter how small the win. In essence, any one of us can be “great” fathers if we are willing to put in the work necessary.

NOT As Seen On T.V.

Seeing that I grew up without a dad. My point of reference, in relation to the “quintessential father”, came primarily from television. These staunch portrayals of an all-knowing, authoritative nurturer shaped who I thought dads were and should be. Only to later learn that these archetype father figures were merely contrived caricatures of the true struggle. As we humans are all hindered by emotions that often skew our handling of many of life’s trials.

A Pup Named Loki

Case in point: Our family has recently expanded with the addition of a Shiba Inu pup named Loki. Affectionately dubbed “Loko Ono”, as she is Japanese, unpredictable, and may very well break up our band. We’d thought this venture would provide Miles with a relationship rooted in the caring of something other than himself. Not to mention the lifelong bond they may establish through their many shared experiences (blah, blah, blah)… Long story short, this shit has not gone as we’d predicted.

We hadn’t anticipated the probability of jealousy from him towards her. As he (temporarily) plays second fiddle, as much of our immediate time is consumed by acclimating Loki to her new environment. Tether this to his false assumption of receiving a ready-made obedient dog and we’re officially in a pickle. I find myself (foolishly) scolding him regarding dog-related instances that he has no understanding of. Being that NONE of us have EVER owned a pet in our lives. All-in-all, this has been a true reality versus expectation endeavor. Not at all living up to the example set by ‘Mike Brady’ nor other fictional dads who would’ve provided a far smoother transition. At best, I’ve ‘Al Bundyed’ my way through this undertaking, and we’re barely a month in. I’ve never felt less “super”.

Committing to Greatness

What this entire ordeal has taught me about becoming a “great” father is this: keeping our best foot forward is an ongoing task. By recognizing that room for improvement is required, we have taken the first step in bettering our resolve towards fatherhood in general. What our kids need, is the assurance that we are committed to being the finest version of ourselves, for them. That no matter how bumpy the path to happiness may seem, its roads are paved by our willingness to succeed. By no means am I saying that I’m a “great” or “super” dad. But through my pursuit, I’ve unlocked the potential within myself to be so, one day. So can you.

When one becomes a father it’s implied that servitude is mandatory. The gamut of demands is boundless yet necessary, as young children lack the skill sets vital to fend for themselves. However, what happens once they’ve gotten older and you find yourself still at their beck and call? How do we then break free from our role as “butler-dad”?

My Life as a “Butler-Dad”

I admit, with certainty, that I am guilty of “pampered parenting”. When Miles was a mere infant, I became both purposely and subconsciously conditioned to promptly attend to his every whim. From butt-wipings to the cutting of food into morsel sizes, I hastily served without hesitation. Fast forward to his toddler years and the not-so-distant past, a whole lot hadn’t changed. I was a bowtie and cummerbund shy of being his personal fucking steward, before realizing the grave disservice I was bestowing onto him.

Breaking the Cycle of Servitude

During my son’s transition into elementary school (and the subsequent years to follow), I began to notice the true harm in my blind obedience: His lack of initiative. For example, he’d sooner summon the closest parent to fetch him a beverage than grab one himself. Or, wait to be clothed most mornings as opposed to simply getting dressed. He was becoming the petulant prince we hadn’t anticipated. And, this did not sit well with either his mother or me. We’d recognized that though tending to him was initially intended as assistance. It had now grown into an expectation. Our runted ruler was in desperate need of some responsibilities.

Helping Our Kids to Help Themselves

Be warned, introducing daily tasks to children can be rather unnerving (mainly to them), at first. But, the greater lessons associated with such a decision outweigh any preliminary hardships. We started Miles off with simple chores i.e. tidying up toys, putting away dishes, helping with laundry, etc. By having him perform basic housework, we’ve given him a first-hand perspective of the required maintenance of our household. Not as an overlord, but as a participant. We hope that in aiding us through our collective family effort, he then learns to help himself in circumstances where he is able to so. Thus, untethering his reliance to the master/servant dynamic he had grown accustomed to.

Although it should be assumed, that as fathers, we’re forever at the mercy of our childrenís needs. But, through guidance, hard work, and some fortitude, we can also ensure our kids can do for themselves come time to. Dare to dream.

By now, dads, you have realized that Father’s Day is the consolation parenting prize that you are half-heartedly awarded every year. As your partner is showered with lavish gifts, pampered into ecstasy, and praised for her very existence. You have likely just received some tool that ultimately suggests that shit needs to be fixed around the house. Please, don’t mistake my contempt as ignorance. I am well aware that a mother’s role and contribution to a child’s nurturing and development can never be mirrored by a man. And, all that she has to endure from pregnancy to childbirth, to breastfeeding, to the raising of a child, deserves nothing less than the highest acknowledgment. But, c’mon, man! Another adjustable-fucking-screwdriver?!

As a side note, for the children – Kids, try giving mommy-dearest a vacuum cleaner or a duster next Mother’s Day and see what type of reception you’ll receive. If you think her constant rehashing of the “joys” of labor she’d endured while squeezing you out is relentless? You’ll be wearing that Mother’s Day faux-pas as a ‘Scarlette letter’ for the duration of your life. On second thought, scratch that. She’ll just end up blaming your father.

Father’s Day Vs. Mother’s Day

Hey, have you ever noticed that Mother’s Day often consists of getting Mom as far away from her children as possible? Whether that be a day at the spa, salon, or out with the girls, Moms all over the globe are given a brief sabbatical free to frolic without distraction. Yet, Father’s Day usually consists of men taking their spawn to either the park, arena, the local burger joint, etc., for a day of “family fun”. Even a day devoted to the recognition of dad’s hard work still consists of even more fathering. I mean, can a brother catch a break?

Your Efforts Have Not Gone Unnoticed

Fear not fathers, your efforts have not gone unnoticed. Don’t let your children’s novelty coffee mug, bad neck-tie, nose-hair clipper, or love coupon giving-asses fool you, they do love the shit out of you. They just used all their financial and emotional resources up on Mother’s Day. So, you get what you get, and don’t get upset. Keep fighting the good fight dads. One day we too will know what it’s like to be foot-rubbed or even just left alone for a few hours. A man can dream.

If you’re anything like myself, I’m sure you’ve reached that point in life where your desire to seek out new friendships has long since dwindled. I’m sure, the sheer thought of venturing outside of your comfort zone in the efforts of recruiting a chum, falls shy of your desire to fish out a fallen item from a public port-a-potty. Sure you would if it was absolutely necessary. But, more times than not, your answer may closer resemble: “fuck all types of that”. Ironically, this is the exact opposite tendency we should instill in our kids.

Play Dates With Parents

As parents, we’re duty-bound to encourage the interaction between our child(ren) and their peers by facilitating all opportunities that may result in comradery and a chance at a lasting friendship. Just because we’ve grown reclusive and a tad anti-social that should not be reflected onto our children. Well, guess what? As parents, we should also lead by example. And, in order to accommodate many (if not all) of these choice encounters between our child and others, adult accompaniment is often required. Simply put: it’s time for you to play nice with others (other parents, that is).

The Forced Friendships

I know, I know… when did “forced friendships” become a part of parenting? The short answer being: the minute that your child decides to buddy up. If you have toddlers and/or small children, the option of simply sending them to play outside with friends unsupervised is no longer existent. Therefore; the play date is the next viable alternative. This will, of course, mean, the entertaining of guests in your home and perhaps the clashing of parenting styles manifested under one roof. This may also mean having an unruly lil’ shit-kicker jumping on your furniture, terrorizing your pets, and, possibly, attempting to plunder your childís things like a 2-foot bandit. It’s all a part of the dance. And, like it or not, these people have just descended onto your lives like vultures because you’ll do anything for your child’s happiness.

Allies & Frienemies

Don’t get me wrong, having fellow parents as “forced friends” can be a wonderful thing. If you are lucky, your child’s pals will stem from nice, normal, like-minded parents with an affinity for good music and getting mildly day drunk while in your loving care. If you are unlucky, however, you may end up with parents who allow their bad-ass kids to get away with murder with not so much as an eye blink in their general direction. We all know the type, those parents who run a bit too fast and lose in the discipline department and feel that their childís misbehavior should be everyone’s problem. These are the kids you have your child disassociate with it immediately. Because frankly, “life is too short to spend time with people that suck the happiness out of you”.

Let’s face it, our world now exists for our child’s benefit, and play dates are the byproduct of their social development. My advice would be: smile politely and be gracious until someone gives you a reason to no longer be.

Entertaining today’s children can seem like a scourge in our daily lives. How does one combat a child’s insatiable propensity for amusement? Second-screen devices, video game consoles, streamed television, and activities galore. Our kids have spiraled into a state of hyperstimulation. Not to mention, entertainment over-saturation. And, quite frankly, it can be a bit fucking much to manage at times. This begs the question, of whether kids (nowadays) possess the ability to endure some good old-fashioned “boredom”? Being that, parents invest so much to keep their kids constantly distracted. Myself included.

My Mistake

One of the worst mistakes I’ve made as a father was giving my son an iPad at age 4. It was a hand-me-down passed by my mother, that she had thoroughly abandoned, due to some technological challenges. Although I was apprehensive at first, once the mechanism was introduced and placed in his grasp, an unbreakable bond surely formed.

As the years progressed, we curbed his tablet use for fear of digital addiction. Limiting his screen time to 1 hour after dinner and weekends, only. Sadly, the damage had already been done. For, once a child experiences programming and gaming at their fingertips, it’s impossible to draw back that curtain. I quickly realized that such a gadget fueled a false notion and growing entitlement. That somehow, all hours of his days required us to entertain him in some manner. I was now stuck with a monster of my own creation.

The Benefits of Boredom

Allow me then to ask again, can modern children withstand being bored? Moreover, is there a lesson to be learned in the process?

One of the many benefits of, so-called, “boredom” in kids is that of observation and curiosity. They should experience mundane acts, such as a ride in the car, without the need for “fun”. Opting to look out of a window (now and again), view the world around them, and foster their own wonder. So much is missed by having their attention focused solely on whatever they’ve deemed as “more interesting”.

Boredom is also a vital tool for creativity. It challenges them to think independently from the context provided to them by their playthings. Developing their means to conceive original thought and expand the imagination. What so many children perceive as ìbeing boredî isnít boredom at all. It is simply their inability to recognize the potential of a moment without an obvious point of recreation.

Being Boring

Not only do I believe that today’s kids can tolerate boredom. But, I believe it is up to us parents to ensure that they do. There are times in life when nothing to do is a true gift. It is at these junctures that we are forced to create our own excitement and outcomes. One can never be truly bored. “Being bored is an insult to oneself”.

Gentlemen, I don’t know how to sugar-coat this, so I’m just going to give it to you straight – As you are well aware, you are dads now. And, as this is ultimately a good thing. You should also come to terms that you will inevitably lose roughly 25% of your “cool”, “swag”, “bravado” and overall sense of self (at least momentarily). This condition is most commonly known as “Male Domestication” and it affects every single father who takes an active role in their children’s lives or gives any sort of shit.

Life as a New Dad

Now, if your knee-jerk response to this news fell into the realm of – “what in the fuck…?!” Congratulations! Your balls are still in fine working order and it is also the correct reaction. Enjoy this moment because soon youíll be subjected to a level of mind-warping exhaustion and domestic conditioning so all-consuming, that few have ever slipped its grip.

Have you ever driven past a young father only to find him blaring “Let It Go” without any regard for his own personal shame? That, my friend, is the result of an endless rotation of said song, for the sole purpose of a moment’s peace from their child or children. This results in a brainwashing so effective that even its victim has no idea of its implementation. Take note because one day, this will be you.

The Male Domestication Situation

Male Domestication strikes fast and it strikes hard. From the moment your partner becomes pregnant you will see its insidious symptoms rearing their ugly head. Have you ever wondered why it is that men also gain weight during pregnancy? (I personally gained about 25lbs and resembled a poor man’s, Chris Tucker) Or, why it is that your time with friends becomes more and more seldom while expecting? These are merely signs of things to come. Once that precious bundle comes hurtling into your life, its path of destruction will know no bounds in regards to the man-romp you once called your life.

The second your baby enters your home it will seal you in with it and make you their sleep-deprived bitch. Sports will be quickly replaced by that whiny-ass Caillou (seriously, fuck that kid!). Your late-night partying will wither into a firm 10 o’clock bedtime. That is if you even make it to 10 and you are allowed to piece together 4 or more consecutive hours of sleep. “Oh, a change gonna come”.

Coming to Grips with the “New You”

That being said; any man that has taken on the responsibility of properly raising their children should wear these battle scars with pride because scars such as these serve as evidence that you are on the right path to fatherhood. If you find yourself still hanging out with your friends, with the same frequency as you did before child. You may be doing it wrong. If you often find yourself still partying until the wee hours, passed out and/or nursing a hangover the next morning. You are fucking this thing right up! By all means, do not change who you are at the core of your personality. These are the character traits that you want to pass on to your kids. But, you have to accept that the pre and post-baby you, are not going to fully recognize one another for a while. And frankly, that’s okay. Consider yourselves warned.

Fun Fact: Your child’s first curse word will likely stem from either yourself or your partner. Them’s the breaks. I say “will” because this will undoubtedly occur and will happen at the most ill-timed instance. When this incident†materializes itself, please, for the love of God, resist the urge to laugh!

There are few things funnier than a cursing child. Short of hearing a rumbling cheek flapper during the exchanging of vows in a quiet church or witnessing a grown†man open a car door into their own crotch, no juvenile indulgence trumps a four-lettered word falling out of the mouth of babes. This is the wrong way to handle said situation. The reason being; that your child loves to make you happy.

Your happiness is a clear indication to them that:

A – They are not in any immediate trouble.

B – They may be eligible for a reward.

If they feel that a word such as “ass” may put a smile on your face, prepare to be serenaded with an onslaught of the unthinkable.

Note – This rule solely applies when managing your own children (of course). If you so happen to witness a child cursing, who is not your own, feel free to laugh yourself into a seizure.

Handling a Child’s First Swear Word

Frankly, there really is no easy solution to this pickle. Your initial reaction†may†be to yell at your child in†discouragement. Your impulse may lead you to†scold them into tears. The logic in both approaches is warranted. However, they result in the reprehension of a child who may have unintentionally done something, they were unaware they were not supposed to do.

Case in point – My son decided to let one fly while rummaging in his toy box for a lost item. As the lid of the chest came crashing down onto his head, he said what any reasonable person would have, “Fuck!”. He was 2 at the time and the context in which he swore was so befitting, that I couldn’t help but agree and let it slide. †Once I had heard him swear again, I pulled him aside and explained – “he wasn’t to ever say that word again”. However, after the third occurrence, he received an ear-splitting reprimand. He did finally cease with the profanity. But I’m not at all convinced that it was my yelling that cinched the deal and I’m certainly not assured that the little shit won’t say it again.

The Obvious Solution

The best measure, I’ve found, to ensure reduced episodes of sailor’s mouth is to not curse in front of your kid. An obvious solution and, at times, a tall order, but the one true thing that works. I let my son know that some words are simply off-limits and there are consequences associated with obscenities. But let’s face it, I can only hold back the reins for so long. Because once our little angels enter the school system, they are in for a plethora of vulgarity so immense, that we’ll long for an innocent slip of the tongue.

Another day has concluded and my son lays snug in his bed. My level of fatigue had peaked hours before and at this point, I’m flying solely on the anticipation of a very stiff nightcap.

My regimented mornings are initiated with a plead for strength to endure yet another round of fatherhood. As I wake my child and attempt to:

a) Change a moving target into his school clothes.

b) Spell out the various benefits of proper hygiene and why it is he must brush his teeth.

c) Get any form of sustenance down his gullet.

d) Explain (for the umpteenth time) why he cannot bring his toys to school.

e) Getting out the door without a homicidal incident.

I often ponder, who in the fuck invented parenting? And, could they have come up with a challenge with fewer variables or perhaps, one with a higher probability of actually succeeding? [Inhale. Exhale.]