Gentlemen, I don’t know how to sugar-coat this, so I’m just going to give it to you straight – As you are well aware, you are dads now. And, as this is ultimately a good thing. You should also come to terms that you will inevitably lose roughly 25% of your “cool”, “swag”, “bravado” and overall sense of self (at least momentarily). This condition is most commonly known as “Male Domestication” and it affects every single father who takes an active role in their children’s lives or gives any sort of shit.
Life as a New Dad
Now, if your knee-jerk response to this news fell into the realm of – “what in the fuck…?!” Congratulations! Your balls are still in fine working order and it is also the correct reaction. Enjoy this moment because soon youíll be subjected to a level of mind-warping exhaustion and domestic conditioning so all-consuming, that few have ever slipped its grip.
Have you ever driven past a young father only to find him blaring “Let It Go” without any regard for his own personal shame? That, my friend, is the result of an endless rotation of said song, for the sole purpose of a moment’s peace from their child or children. This results in a brainwashing so effective that even its victim has no idea of its implementation. Take note because one day, this will be you.
The Male Domestication Situation
Male Domestication strikes fast and it strikes hard. From the moment your partner becomes pregnant you will see its insidious symptoms rearing their ugly head. Have you ever wondered why it is that men also gain weight during pregnancy? (I personally gained about 25lbs and resembled a poor man’s, Chris Tucker) Or, why it is that your time with friends becomes more and more seldom while expecting? These are merely signs of things to come. Once that precious bundle comes hurtling into your life, its path of destruction will know no bounds in regards to the man-romp you once called your life.
The second your baby enters your home it will seal you in with it and make you their sleep-deprived bitch. Sports will be quickly replaced by that whiny-ass Caillou (seriously, fuck that kid!). Your late-night partying will wither into a firm 10 o’clock bedtime. That is if you even make it to 10 and you are allowed to piece together 4 or more consecutive hours of sleep. “Oh, a change gonna come”.
Coming to Grips with the “New You”
That being said; any man that has taken on the responsibility of properly raising their children should wear these battle scars with pride because scars such as these serve as evidence that you are on the right path to fatherhood. If you find yourself still hanging out with your friends, with the same frequency as you did before child. You may be doing it wrong. If you often find yourself still partying until the wee hours, passed out and/or nursing a hangover the next morning. You are fucking this thing right up! By all means, do not change who you are at the core of your personality. These are the character traits that you want to pass on to your kids. But, you have to accept that the pre and post-baby you, are not going to fully recognize one another for a while. And frankly, that’s okay. Consider yourselves warned.