Granted, this isn’t one of the more high-browed parental topics, but a pertinent one nonetheless. It is assumed that having a baby encompasses its share of gross encounters with their number 2’s. Further still, the line drawn on the day a diaper change is required after the introduction of solid foods is utterly scarring. Leaving most highly motivated to quickly commence potty training. However, what isn’t glaringly evident is that just because your child is proficient at using the lavatory. Does not immediately exempt you, the parent, from the continued participation of dookie duty. And, in actuality, you’ll likely be wiping their little asses for years after. Because, this is a skill that must be executed correctly, 100% of the time, to avoid further fecal-based calamities. Fuck my life.
Wipes & Gripes
My wife and I began toilet training our son at age 3. Although we’d experienced many horrors normally associated with colossal septic system failure, we emerged victoriously. Our little man was settled in his newly acquired capabilities and we couldn’t have been happier. That is until we realized that he still required wiping.
3 years later and not a whole lot has changed. In fact, he has managed to contort his dependency of our sanitary efforts to his advantage. Whereas, on the weekends, he’ll wake up extra early (normally 6:30 a.m.), does his business and then calls for his mother or me to properly tend to his mess, knowing he’ll not be denied. All this done in the effort of extending his tablet usage. For he’s confident that we’ll gladly grant him his screen time for a couple of extra z’s. It’s what we’ve affectionately deemed “the poo trick”. Cruelly effective yet thoroughly ingenious. The time has clearly come for him to wipe his own bum.
3 Simple Steps for Wiping Success
Here are 3 simple steps you can take to ensure that your child wipes their ass correctly.
Provide a Reason for Wiping
If a child isn’t informed of why it’s imperative to properly wipe be prepared for, itchy cheeks, skid row and many other repulsive byproducts. By hashing-out the importance of cleanliness, they’ll gain a better comprehension of why wiping is vital to their overall hygiene.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Demonstrate the correct technique, the amount of toilet paper (and/or wet wipes) to use, what direction to wipe in, the number of times they should consider wiping… Then practice until these points are committed to their memory. Mishaps should be expected. But, at least the seed has been planted. Once they’ve gotten the knack, it’ll be harder for them to turn back.
Provide Incentives for Wiping Properly
Am I suggesting that you bribe your kids? Why yes, I am! There is no monetary value one can place on not having to inspect a child’s crack each time they’ve laid logs. Children respond to praise and incentives. So trust me, this is money well spent.
The Dilemma Continues
Admittedly, this is an ongoing predicament within my household. But, with some persistence and encouragement, I’m optimistic that one day I won’t be beckoned by the statement, “Dada, I pooed”. In turn, I hope that he’ll learn that “shit happens when you wipe your ass and move on”.