Entering a public playground is much like intruding into gang territory without anyone to vouch for you. The turf war is real, and these stay-at-home moms, dads, and nannies are playing for keeps. If your daily intake of cock-eyed stares or side-mouthed whispers is at all lacking, look no further than your local jungle gym. Even if it is located within your neighbourhood green space, don’t expect to simply stroll in without receiving a little initiation and intimidation.
I had no idea of the possessiveness some parents held towards an area designated for “everyone’s enjoyment”. When my family and I moved into our new home, we decided to get a lay of the land and go exploring. During our outing, we stumbled upon a park that bordered our’s and an opposing neighbourhood. Seeing that we’d moved from the city’s core, where playing fields were in short supply, we were elated to have found a place to run our little boy ragged.
Upon entering the park, however, we immediately felt an air of passive hostility from the den-parents, who had clearly claimed their stake. As my lil’ man frolicked through the various apparatuses, my wife and I stood steady, holding our ground in case things escalated into fist to cuffs. Gladly, this did not transpire, as we played and left unscathed. Sadly, we would have to endure this experience a few times more before finally gaining some acceptance. It’s hard out here for a parent, am I right?
The 3 Types of Park Parents
These recreational encounters lead me to realize that there are generally 3 types of parents in any park environment.
Second Screen Sitters
These parents are so engrossed with whatever correspondence their smartphone is transmitting, that their kids are left to play second fiddle to cat vines and dick pics. These folks can be located on the park benches that outline the play area, giving zero shits about what mischief their child(ren) may be getting into. And, will only lift their heads if tears are bursting from their ill-supervised offspring. They are the worst.
Drones
Formerly known as “helicopter parents, ” Drones are the complete opposite of the Second Screen Sitters. These parents are ever present, almost to a fault. No activity is executed without their awareness. No accident (however minor) occurs without immediate response. If their child is poised to sneeze, do expect a Kleenex to materialize within a millisecond. These kids will never know what it’s like to be free from their parents’ gaze… EVER!
The Veteran’s Legion
Following a strict credo of “been there, done that”, nothing fazes these seasoned old-timers. The Legion’s members typically have more than one youngster and have witnessed the full spectrum of child-related mishaps. These weekday warriors have endured so many “boos-boos” and scrapes that Band-Aid calls them for first-aid assistance.
Another distinct characteristic of these battle-scarred guardians is their love for gossip, as they tend to have the rundown of all regular park attendees. From lice to pox, if you need to know who your child may want to stay clear of, befriending a vet can be a real asset. Assuming you also accept that your business will now also be subject to public distribution. These are: the brave, the strong, the “I’ve ran out of fucks to give”.
Be it good, bad, or ugly, park life is now our life. As parents, we all have to find ways to entertain our kids. And, if we adults can get along half as well as our children do on the playing field, we all might make it out alive.